


tell me again that this is love

by flambydelrabies



Category: Tales of Symphonia
Genre: Angst and Feels, Drabble Collection, Drabbles, Fluff and Angst, Freeform, Heavy Angst, M/M, Non-Linear Narrative, prose
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-10
Updated: 2020-05-23
Packaged: 2021-03-02 19:21:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,115
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24102022
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/flambydelrabies/pseuds/flambydelrabies
Summary: A series of Zelloyd drabbles, primarily prose, with heavy angst, fluff, and feelings.
Relationships: Lloyd Irving/Zelos Wilder
Comments: 2
Kudos: 25





	1. somnambulist

**Author's Note:**

  * For [RisuAlto](https://archiveofourown.org/users/RisuAlto/gifts), [SuikaShoujo](https://archiveofourown.org/users/SuikaShoujo/gifts).



> Prompt: “Things you said when you thought they were asleep”.  
> Zelos was always good at sleeping with people, but never much at sleeping without them.
> 
> Thanks to my zelloyd buds (ha) for curing my writing bug. Prompt was "things you said when you thought they were asleep". I will forever remember this pandemic as "that time I wrote 100k of zelloyd fic" and by the time we're free, half of ao3's zelloyd tag is just going to be my stuff at this rate. You can thank me later, I guess.  
> edit: now multichapter with more from the same prompt list.

Zelos always dreaded sleeping alone. 

It was his dirty little secret, dirtier than anything he’d ever done in bed or any of the silver lies that left his mouth. Even the thought of acupuncture with scalding hot needles dotting his skin felt far more appealing than waking up lonely, and he'd further welcome the cold embrace of death than another empty bed and even emptier silence. It rings, _pulsates,_ dances _circles_ through his head without another warm body to reverberate from, allowing for only the stifling dead of night and the thump, _thump_ of his own heartbeat in his ears. He couldn't have loathed anything more. 

_("You should never have been born", she says, and Mylene couldn't have been any more right. Turns out life is cruel and time heals little more than nothing.)_

If anything, there are some things time slithers its sequined grasp around until asphyxiated into whatever lesser being he saw himself as that day. Couldn't be any more of a poisonous sight, infectious to the core. He'd spit those feelings to the ground in front of him, he thought, but then the last genuine thing about him would be gone and a hollow husk of even more empty promises is all he'd have left. The cruelest imitation of his single-sided grin, only to paint his face with more apologies than he deserved forgiveness for _(which is to say, none)._

Tonight was spent musing in darkness the same way Zelos had rehearsed _ad infinitum_ , but this time, by the graces of the Goddess herself, _he wasn't alone._

Lloyd had a crystalline glass heart he wore on his sleeve to juxtapose Zelos' own, long since hardened while Lloyd’s was made up of whatever it was that made a human being _worth something._ He looks at his own arm and sees only coils of veins spread thin even if only to prove deep down, he still had a heart in him _somewhere._

The boy with golden eyes only flutters his lids and drifts to the abyss of sleep, leaving Zelos to trail a finger down his spine and feel the way Lloyd's breath trembles in his chest. _“Don’t let him ruin love for you, Lloyd,”_ his subconscious jabs like fingernails tearing at a fresh wound, because Lloyd knew what he deserved and Zelos knew too, but the difference was Zelos knew the other boy only deserved _better than him._

**+**

_"You've got a tight little body, baby,"_ Zelos croons with a flick of his tongue and the click of teeth. A doe-eyed girl with an hourglass waist and full lips, ready to place them against his own like a fawn caught in the trap _(but really, which of them is the animal, and which is the cage?)._ A _distraction_ , if nothing more, from the lips he longed to caress instead, with flighty hands and the eternal feeling of cheek-by-jowl. He could get anyone he wanted the wave of his hand and a sly smirk but not when it _meant something_. 

This, _whatever it was,_ catching women in traps and blowing their minds by virtue of _I'm the chosen, your wish is my command,_ was easy, much as it was to break their hearts the day after when there was little more need for a warm body by his side. All he knew is that when he looks at Lloyd something in him tugs until his vocal chords ache trying not to scream

_I CAN'T KEEP KISSING STRANGERS AND PRETENDING THEY'RE YOU._

But the words don't leave his mouth and instead stay anchored to the base of his throat, a ship never to set sail because _Lloyd deserves better,_ as if to say _"I'm vile, baby-- don't trust me, doll,"_ but the things he thinks of himself don't change that Lloyd's the only one he doesn't have to lie to. 

And still, he does, because underneath it all Zelos is just another insecure boy and ten times as fragile. You can't break a heart that's already broken, after all. 

**+**

The past few nights he's slept next to Lloyd in every bed they've come across, from Houses of Guidance to silent inns, even down to tonight when they shared his very own in the manor a part of him died in long ago. It started with a simple inquiry, one born of staunch concern and nothing more, after a night spent trembling in tune with his own heartbeat and thrashing as if possessed by ghosts _(he could only hope that they weren't real, for his sake; there were so many skeletons in his closet that he'd wake the dead)._

"Zelos, are you okay?" he asks, rousing the boy from fever dreams of _blood-red_ snow, only for him to wake and spy the _rose-red_ of Lloyd's glove against his wrist. 

"What's up, bud?" he asks with the strength of a child reaching for Mother, only to be swatted away. This time, he wasn't. 

"You're trembling," Lloyd replies with enough heat to rend Zelos' frost-stricken veins back to lukewarm, far better than he could do on his own. 

Now he was the one caught in the trap, the metal clangs around his limbs and he doesn't have to lie, but he _almost does_ before ripping those flighty white half-truths between his teeth _(his lies were always prettiest, but now was not the time for pretty)._

"I don't like sleeping alone," he finally says with vulnerabilities wrung high, leaving more questions than answers that he can’t think about and more breaths than he could possibly breathe.

Lloyd breathes in silence too, before crawling into bed with exhales synchronized to Zelos' own and arrhythmia in their perfect irregularities beating in tune. As bodies close in, the distance between them tightens like the smile on both of their lips waiting for something _more,_ because _whatever this is_ is too perfect to be left at arm's reach. Instead, fingers draw themselves through hair with skin pressed to skin and Zelos feels _alive,_ even if only for a moment, and a moment is all it takes for Zelos to press his lips against Lloyd's, only to think

_MY GOD, I'VE MADE A MISTAKE._

Because these are the things you do with someone you love, and he had long since realized Lloyd had caught his eye but perhaps he'd spun this the wrong way, and now he's not responding-- he has to react soon, but soon is an impatient word that speaks of broken promises and empty, hollow, _empty, hollow--_

Until suddenly, Lloyd kisses back, as unexpected to Zelos as the peck on the lips was in the first place, born of tender desires and sustained of mutual trust. 

He knew that by now he could have every inch of Lloyd if he wanted to but in this moment he realizes he doesn't. The tender kisses and arms that draw him only closer are the only thing he craves because _this can't happen with anyone else._ Hands draw increasingly frenzied while tongues collide with teeth and he prays to whatever Goddess is out there he remembers this forever-- even if he remembered it as the worst night of his life at least he'd remember it at all.

There was nothing left for either of them to say because both their lips were spent with the kisses of fireflies and tongues far too good for their own. It was all Zelos needed to feel _whole_ again. 

Lloyd dozes as their entwined heartbeats fuse to one single song, until Zelos rolls to cusp the other boy between his arms. The moment his breath becomes rhythmic like the rattle of a drum, Zelos leans and says nine words;

_(I could fall in love with someone like you.)_

And somehow, he's blind to the fact that he already has.


	2. house of thieves

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Prompt: "Things you said you didn't think they'd hear / things you said when you were scared."  
> Takes place before the betrayal. Title from the song "House of Thieves" by Ruby Throat.

It would take thirty seconds to count the number of times Zelos had been truly afraid in his life, and as he stood clutching his Cruxis crystal between quaking hands, this moment made thirty-one. A small price to pay for freedom, should it exist at all, or should any choice he make be _righteous_ for once in his godforsaken life. An existence as simple as one without fear _should_ be synonymous with freedom in his mind; instead, all it meant is death could have its pointed dagger rested against his neck and he'd only spit back _"try me"._ When death ceases to be a concern, very little else does, either. 

The next twenty-four hours, in all their spirals of shattering glass, were far more terrifying than death could ever be. 

_(Thirty-five. Forty. Fifty. Sixty.)_

Snowflakes splinter into his skin with the fury of a thousand broken promises, only for him to know deep down that he was just one more heartbreak among the rest. Today he betrays them all the way he planned so intricately from the start, and he will look upon Lloyd's eyes, strong enough to burn straight through him, and wonder if there was a way to disappear completely. 

_(Disappearing would be the easy way out and nothing in his life has ever been easy, even when he kicked and screamed and begged for it.  
He ceased to remember how old he was when he stopped fighting, and maybe that alone said enough to matter.)_

The Cruxis crystal that thumped like a heartbeat in the palm of his hand was the only thing in his life that was irreplaceable, save for the very person he would give it to this brisk hour of morning, someone he only hoped could one day look him in the eyes without hesitation once more. Swimming in doubt, but not drowning; fearful, but not terrified. That was still to come, but nothing changed the fact that he felt _seasick._ Today, he kills the only beautiful thing he had yet to wring his hands around and destroy. Today, _he doesn't want to._

An equilibrium of choices, of nothing at all, as he takes the crystal and slides it under the oak door begging for forgiveness for things he hasn't even _done yet._

_"A symbol of trust, even if I never deserved it in the first place."_

His hands hesitate. 

Lloyd hears. Zelos thinks he doesn’t. There's nothing sweet as sugar-coated ignorance but that was one of the first truths that turned _fear_ to _terror._

_(Eighty-five. Ninety.)_

Through the crack of the door he sees a boy he could love, if he didn't already; _"do you love him, or do you love that he loves you too?"_ Neither of the above changed the fact that he's scared now, and he doesn't even know of _what_ anymore. 

_(One hundred. One hundred and twenty.)_

**+**

Dangling arms laced together as a sign of _"tonight, at the very least, you're mine"_ and neither minded one bit, enough to make both hearts skip a beat. After all the times Zelos had spent wishing for this shameless intimacy, _maybe some wishes do come true._

Lloyd ran his fingers through Zelos' hair and it was hardly delicate but felt just the same, with each caress a love letter that had waited with grace and care to bloom. By now they'd both shed their coats and gloves like second skin, leaving only the most raw and vulnerable underneath and it _still wasn't enough_ as Zelos reached below Lloyd's rough undershirt to feel the sinew of his figure and dips of his veins. Each breath was heavy as if weighted to the feelings of yearning they'd both held desperately in their chests. _Closer_ wasn't _close enough,_ and at this point, Zelos had no idea if there _was_ such a thing. 

_"It almost feels like you've done this before,"_ Lloyd pants, and the moment his breaths hitch at the base of his throat Zelos leans to steal another kiss, like the ambitious thief he was at his core--

 _"You thought I only slept with women?"_ he laughs, equal parts vicious and viscous, an airy exhale as hands continue to roam and the intricacies of their bodies become familiar. _"Right now, I only want to sleep with you,"_ and for once his mouth doesn't trip and stumble over the truth.

Instead, he gazes out the window for a split second at the endless snowfall that plagued the city of Flanoir, only to place his head back down in the nape of Lloyd's neck and try with everything he could to appreciate this moment for what it was. Tomorrow, he becomes the _traitor,_ and he was old enough to know better than to disappear. 

**+**

Lloyd knew they'd spent the night with arms entwined, but still, he woke up alone, taking note of the crystal on the floor that glistened in the sunbeams and the flurry of footsteps echoing through the hall. 

_(A symbol of trust, even if I never deserved it in the first place.)_

Zelos thinks of all the things he has yet to justify and how each and every one of them would break Lloyd's heart, so he apologies with his eyes instead and hopes that's enough until he can do it for _real_. Lloyd's gaze locks with Zelos' as if he'd read his mind, because Zelos never knows what to say, until Lloyd says

_"I still trust you,"_

a reminder to _breathe,_ if nothing more. He's long since lost count of the seconds, but it takes a boy like Lloyd to make Zelos admit he's _afraid,_ and all the while, blunted fingernails leave hesitation marks in his palms. _Maybe some wishes do come true,_ and the moment those words leave Lloyd's mouth Zelos wishes on every last star for Lloyd to _forgive him._

_(Numbers were the one thing that always made sense to him, and right now, he’d stopped counting.)_


	3. swansongs

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Prompt: "Things you said under the stars."  
> This one's corny but I kind of love it.

_ (cygnus had many proposed identities, but cygnus was most likely zeus in disguise.) _

The galaxy was violet and Lloyd's feelings were black holes, pulling him in and never letting go, all-consuming and every last bit liable for each word that fumbled from his mouth. Sleeping under the stars was hardly new, _though, barely old,_ but tonight’s glaring difference had a name and a face that made his heart scream _'show me what the universe looks like'_ , even if he already _knew._ _(Love doesn't change when called by any other name.)_

_ [Deneb is the brightest star in Cygnus,   
_ _ and the 19th brightest star in the night sky; ]  _

The longer he traveled with Zelos the more his heart ached like blunted tremors in his chest, but if he called it nothing, then it remained nothing in tune. Lloyd could be lost for hours in those rhinestone eyes until time didn't make sense anymore, but _nothing_ _did_ around Zelos to _begin with._

With all the thoughts that raced through dark matter in the chosen's head, maybe this was all part of one of his oh-so-intricate _plans._ _(Typical, if nothing else.)_

_ [Gamma Cygni is the star located at the intersection   
_ _ of the Northern Cross. Its traditional name, Sadr,   
_ _ comes from the Arabic word for “the chest,” şadr; ]  _

And sometimes Lloyd’s own chest felt like  _ sun and stars, _ but tonight, he wondered where Zelos could be, because he wasn’t asleep at his side anymore, and now his solar plexus felt only  _ withered and pulsating. _

Fingertips reach for the moon as angels join the night sky, wings the colour of sunset arching from Zelos’ back as he stares to the stars. Unusual, for one who feels ill at sundown, hardly the insomniac he acted with care; he could play the role of anything with the flick of his wrist, but all his favourite faces made him  _ sick. _

_ "What are you doing up this late?" _ Lloyd asks; Zelos could ask him the very same thing right back and their answers would be identical:  _ thinking of you, and nothing more,  _ but after all, the  _ fun _ of pining is  _ suffering in silence,  _ isn’t it?

_ "Sometimes, the stars are nice to watch at night, y'know," _ Zelos replies as his feet touch the ground once more, a cocktail of a half-truth and a lie by omission. Anyone who knew him knew he fell in love with anything that was  _ beautiful,  _ whether a pretty face or a pretty star or anything but  _ himself. _

( _ leda was so beautiful that zeus could not resist her.) _

Lloyd sits next to him with fingertips grazing the harsh ground below, just out of arm's reach the way he always was  _ (after all, is the chase worthwhile without the thrill?) _ and Zelos reclines to watch constellations dance before the spilled ink sky.  _ "Which one's your favourite?" _ asks the boy with the ember eyes, but any skyline spectrum paled in comparison to the one next to him, whose touch could make his heart ignite.  _ (Surely, burns of the third degree, but by now, who’s counting?) _

_ [Rukh is a triple star in Cygnus -   
_ _ it will take over as the North Star for   
_ _ at least 400 years around the year 11,250; ] _

Zelos traces a finger through galaxies, ambitious enough to rend the night sky with hot-blooded palms. 

_ ("this one, cygnus--") _

The starlit swan with outstretched wings, a zenith among space,  _ endless _ and nothing _ less  _ until he turns his pointed gaze to Lloyd instead. 

_ "Where I'm from, this doesn't exist," _ and he thinks to each broken Meltokio skyline, when the  _ twisting _ and  _ turning _ and  _ plucking _ of Cygnus' feathers were all he could see among blurs of time and space when the sun went down. 

_ (zeus knew that he, as himself, would not be able to make leda fall in love with him.)  _

Lloyd reaches his hand to grasp Zelos' in his own, and for once both of them fell for something that didn't slip straight through their fingers. By now, they were both lost, whether in the  _ stars _ or  _ space _ or  _ each other's eyes _ or something, somewhere,  _ in between, _ and neither wanted to be found.  _ (To hell with pining when everything they’d longed for was real.) _

_ [Albireo is the star that marks the head of the swan; ] _

_ "Ah, Lloyd," _ Zelos laughs with a mouth full of pretty metaphors as the boy by his side traces systems and sequences over his skin;  _ "you know, in this world or the next, there's nobody like you."  _ Not a single word was a lie or hidden below a mask of deceit, and even the bitter night air turned sweet with his hums of silk.  They draw closer and eyelids flutter to sleep, stronger than the beating of wings or meteor hearts, and tonight, the word  _ love _ finally  _ meant something _ as the universe belonged to them alone. 

Lloyd takes flight atop Cygnus' back, and the two of them sink into the sky. 

_ (zeus eventually won her love through means of seduction,   
_ _ after he had transformed himself into a swan.) _


End file.
